One week down (well tomorrow) 

YOU GUYS! Good news! It's Tuesday and my best friend got to email me today!

I randomly woke up at 5:30 a.m. so excited to get an email from keian I couldn't fall back asleep. I sat in bed refreshing my email every 30 minutes hoping to catch him in time to chat a little. When I thought he'd never email I got a little buzz and quickly opened up my mail! I wish I would've been more prepared for our first email. Tears!! (Of joy)  they wouldn't stop coming out until about an hour after. It was the best feeling to hear from him! 

First P day email:

DOOZMCGOOOOOO I miss you so much! I think of you EVERY night. I want
you to know that! I sit in my bed after my long day and just think of
you. Youre in my journal EVERY night. 

You make me so happy even
hundreds of miles away. In the other side of heaven when they say the
cheesy line like *we will be under the same moon* I literally look up
at the sky at night and think of the moon kissing your face like I
would if I was there. You are an amazing example to me and THANK YOU
FOR THE PICTURES!!!! all the elders are showing each other our girls
and its hilarious. I was happy I could show them so thanks! and more
importantly I was happy to see your face! I see it all day in my head
but I never get to just stare at it and I miss that!! You are driving
me to keep going even though you dont know it! I love you so much and
I cant wait to squeeze you very soon!  I cant wait to hear from you all the time!

GUYS! He actually spelled you're right! Lol...he could never get it right.

One of his companions there has a girlfriend as well..funny thing is her & I saw each other on Instagram and now text each other! Small world ? 

Anyhoo.

He's a keeper. 

Until next week. I miss you elder!!

XX

In these past weeks I've had nothing but the mere thought of "what if"

A constant what if this, what if that..what if it doesn't work out the way I want it go.

The awful unknown feeling that lingers in your stomach. Split between so many roads questioning which one to take, I took it one on one with the lord asking for help! As weeks grew on I began to get frustrated. Feeling as if time was closing in on me I still kept praying (unfortunately in discouragement) saying " I know you're listening..please answer my prayers"

At work it can often get slow. Costumers wander in and out sooo I keep myself busy whether it's in a healthy way or not (social media..yuh get me??) Scrolling through facebook a highschool friend (now serving a mission) shared a mormon message which later led to another message and to another ..and coincidently they were all about the same thing. (Trusting God) I quickly pulled out my journal and jotted down a few things to always remember. (AKA ANSWER TO MY PRAYER) 

In the video elder holland told a story ~

Matt: dad why did we feel after praying about it that the right road was the proper one to take and it wasn't? 

(After getting back on the right road) Holland: I think that the lords wish for us there and his answer to our prayer was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible with some reassurance and some understanding that we were on the right road and we didn't have to worry about it. And in this case the easiest way to do that was to let us go 400 yards or 500 yards on the wrong road and very quickly know without a doubt know it was the wrong road and therefor with equal certainty, with equal conviction that the other one was the right road

 

+ sometimes answers to our prayers are not sudden , sometimes they are

+ sometimes the answer to our prayer is obvious and a cool story to tell, sometimes it's a small simple answer that we must search for

+ and sometimes the lord leaves it up to us to decide 

+ trust God more than your heart 

I love receiving answers to prayers. It's another confirmation to me that God loves us & hears us. I have an absolute perfect knowledge that God loves us. He trusts us and expects the best from us. God is good.

Do not retreat when something doesn't go right 

Guess whaaaat?

Can I just start by saying..today was absolutely lovely. I spent some one on one quality time with my little brother running him to and fro across town, to the other side of town and back. I love having little heart to hearts with him even though he thinks he's too cool for me (I don't curr..I will kiss that little boys cheek anytime of the day no matter who sees!)

After taking him home I went up to my little brother Joaquin's cemetery to ponder. I got out of my car and sat on the winter/spring grass (aka the dead and the new grass coming in) 

The sun was setting and I was playing beautiful hymns on my phone. I looked down after a few minutes and my phone was at 1%. (Don't you hate that??) I hopped back onto my feet and plugged my phone into my car to charge. I saw my scriptures and journal in the back seat and felt I needed to grab them. I pulled them out and say back down and my brothers headstone. I decided I was just going to read where I last left off in the Book of Mormon. Have you ever heard those stories where someone pulled out their scriptures and the wind blew it open to a page and there was a verse that they needed to hear?? Well that's exactly what happened to me. As I opened my scriptures to where I had last left off the wind blew and opened it to 1 Nephi chapter 21. In purple were some words I had highlighted from a few verses. I first read the words read "...go forth; to them that sit in darkness: show yourselves"(1 nephi 21:9) then I looked up and read "....and my God shall be my strength."(1 nephi 21:5) and last but not least I read "..for by the spirit are all things made known.."(1 nephi 22:2).

So now you may be asking yourself well.. What does that have to do with anything?? For those of you who don't know I've ALWAYS had the desire to serve a mission. From the moment I walked into my high school seminary classroom. The moment I gained my own testimony of our savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I've recently set in stone that I will be starting my papers to serve a mission! And these few verses I read today confirmed to me that I was doing what I needed to do. 

Now some of you might be asking well why Desi? You're a girl you don't need to serve a mission. 

That's exactly it. I WANT to serve a mission. I just love the gospel so much and all the joy and comfort it's brought into my life ..I don't know how I'd ever survive with out knowing that we have a savior who loves and knows us perfectly and that he died for us so that we as imperfect human beings could repent and return home again. I love knowing that. And I want do share that with others so they can know that as well. Just like in Lehis vision. How he partook of the fruit and how he wanted his family to partake of the fruit as well because it was so great! (My exact feeling) I would love to share with others about our loving redeemer. Ok ok you get the point tehe. 

I believe in Christ ~ xoxo

My six word love story? "I know he's worth waiting for" 

"...they separated themselves and departed one from another, trusting in the Lord that they should meet again at the close of their harvest; for they supposed that great was the work which they had undertaken"

Alma 17:13

I feel like I should be allowed to wear a shirt this week that says "I just said goodbye to my missionary" so people understand the reason behind the swollen eyes and random bursts of tears. 

What a bitter sweet next two years these will be. I can not wait to grow spiritually with him and watch him learn and grow. 

I walked out to keians car last night knowing it was going to be the last for two years. He stood outside the car smiling and opened the car door for me. Somewhere over the rainbow was playing (and for those of you who don't know, my family and I associate that song with my little brother who's passed beyond the veil) my heart melted. We sat in his car cuddled, talked and sat in silence for a couple of hours. As I was laying my head on his shoulder the thought "how is this our last cuddle for two years? That's not a thing" repeated over and over. but it is. 

It didn't hit me until I gave him his last kiss and hug and watched him look back at me as I closed the door to my house. 

Since then the tears just keep coming and the words stay strong repeat over and over. I love this boy more and more everyday & everytime I think I can't love him anymore than I already do... I love him more. 

He sent me a text yesterday saying in two years we'll be cruising in my car and we'll say "that was fast" 

I can't wait for that moment.

I look up to him. He's blessed my life in so many ways ever since the ninth grade. (I know what you're thinking ..that was dinosaur years ago) 

So basically anyone who wants to sit in top knots & indulge in tubes of icecream & eat hot Cheetos while watching Netflix for this next month (obviously we'll go to the gym too..I mean, summers coming up) have heart to hearts. basically become the best of  friends. Then pls feel free to join me.

I love you keian Maliga! 

needing the beautiful beach right about now

I feel my saviors love

I rushed over to the side of the road with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.Tears filled my eyes and I allowed myself to cry. To just let it all out. My stepdad once told me that it is ok to cry. I scrolled through my contacts searching for someone to talk to hoping one would understand my pain and be able to calm and comfort me. Not one person in my contacts would've been able to understand me. Face in the palms of my hands I began to sob. My heart was heavy and I whispered  to myself "why am I so lonely right now? Why is there no one that I can talk to that will understand?" Right after I whispered to myself I legit heard these words "you are not alone. You already know someone who can calm and comfort you more than anyone you know. And he's already here for you listening to you right now" clear as day. I can testify to you that we have a savior who loves and knows us. He created us. He died for us and loves us more than we can even comprehend. He listens and will comfort you. I feel my saviors love 💕

4 years too fast

As we continue to endure the separation from him, we are blessed with the knowledge that we will be together again 

Alex was lying on the exam table and I was sitting next to her holding her hand as we both anxiously awaited the results of the ultrasound. The nurse rubbed the imaging device on Alex’s gelled tummy with one hand and clicked keyboard buttons with the other as she concentrated her focus on the grainy movements on the screen. Alex and I were in complete agreement that the nurse would soon confirm the news we had not only been wishing for but expected to hear, “Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Ruiz, you are having a daughter!” After all, this was our 4th child and not only did we feel like we were veterans in the pregnancy department but we were due for another little girl to help our daughter Desiree combat her brothers Haven, Enrique, and Moses. Well, the daughter idea did not pan out as anticipated. The nurse used the cursor to circle a specific part of the baby’s body and said “It’s another boy!” I jokingly responded, “Are you sure?” She replied, “Unless that thing falls off, it’s a boy.” A few seconds later as she continued to scan and measure various areas of the images, I saw her pause and move closer to the monitor. Her look of concern was obvious. It was enough for me to ask if there was something wrong. She informed us that our son appeared to have a cleft lip. Alex was already tearing from the “It’s a boy” news and immediately looked at me with a confused look. Our lives changed that very second. Disbelief, worry, and confusion had immediately taken hold of us. The nurse’s verbal punch in the gut was followed up by a powerful knockout blow when she told us with a very concerned tone that there was something wrong with Joaquin’s heart and we needed to see cardiology at the U of U Hospital. My wife cried and continued to cry as we left the OBGYN office and sat in our car. We both were trying to make sense of what just happened thinking, “This was not supposed to happen to us.”
The following day we met with Dr. Puchalski with pediatric cardiology at the U of U. He performed another ultrasound and determined there was a definite irregularity in Joaquin’s heart. I asked him about the cleft lip and he investigated the mouth area of our baby boy and confirmed he had a bi-lateral cleft lip and palate. Dr. Puchalski then instructed us to meet with the perinatal genetics since multiple health problems are commonly associated with a type of syndrome. Since his heart was so small, he scheduled us to come back in 7 weeks so the heart could grow and he could then provide a precise diagnosis.  
Those weeks flew by as we found ourselves looking at ultrasound images again with Dr. Pachalski. This time, he was able to see what the problems were: Double outlet right ventricle, large patent ductus arteriosus, LSVC to coronary sinus, large perimembranous VSD, small secundum ASD, dysplastic tricuspid valve, mild hypoplasia with abnormal movement of posterior leaflet of the mitral valve, thickened doming pulmonary valve, borderline RVH, AND right-sided aortic arch. Basically, our boy had congenital heart disease and his little heart had a lot of problems.
We met with genetics and they recommended an amniocentesis be performed. The procedure is 99.5% accurate in specifying chromosome abnormalities but also carries a 1 in 250 risk of miscarriage. At that moment, the risk was too great for us and chose not proceed with the test. Two months later, Alex and I felt like it was necessary and knew all would be well. It was during the amniocentesis that we caught a glimpse of Joaquin’s funny little personality. The doctors used a long needle to extract amniotic fluid. We watched the monitor from the ultrasound as this long needle plunged through my wife’s tummy. Though the doctor was cautious not to disturb him, Joaquin could clearly be seen kicking the needle, even trying to grab at it with his hand! A month later we met again with genetics and received some counseling. Joaquin had been diagnosed with recombinant 8 syndrome or chromosome 8 syndrome. Half of the 8th chromosome was missing and the existing half copied itself. This is referred to as deletion/duplication.
From that point both the geneticists and social workers worked hard to pull together information related to this syndrome since it is so rare. Alex and I would get periodic phones calls from their offices with updates as they discovered them. Finally, they were able to give us the official report on the study of children with recombinant 8 syndrome. In the midst of sustaining a life full of kids, work, sports, school, church, and everything else associated with a busy young family – we now had to try and accept these facts that pertained to our little Joaquin. Some of which included: cardiovascular and other major malfunctions, moderate to severe mental retardation, 71% of children died during first 3 years of life, and all children who died with this syndrome, died from complications of congenital heart disease.
A month passed and Alex and I were frantically driving to the U of U Hospital to have a baby! I was driving cautiously on I-15, obeying the speed limit, and she would get mad at me because I was driving too slow. Then I would speed up and a minute later she was grasping the armrest, yelling at me to slow down! The medical staff was expecting us and had a surgical room prepared including 3 doctors and 6 nurses – just in case. The delivery was quick and easy, at least from my perspective. Joaquin was finally here! The doctor held Joaquin up for a picture and handed him to a nurse who handed him to another nurse though this small opening in the wall that looked like a drive thru window. I was able to see Joaquin in the PICU and was surprised how big he was compared to the babies there. Joaquin was a full term baby weighing in at 8 lbs 5 oz. and measuring 20.6 inches long. Besides the bi-lateral cleft lip, he looked like a strong, healthy baby. I know he was meant to come into this world big and strong because he would need all that strength to endure what lay ahead. Later that night, I walked with the Life Flight team as we escorted Joaquin across the skywalk to Primary Children’s Hospital.  
Thus began our family’s wonderful relationship with the doctors and nurses at Primary Children’s Hospital. Joaquin spent his first 2 months there. He underwent his first heart surgery at 17 days old. Joaquin was never alone. Alex and I were with him and those few times were weren’t, another family member kept him company. Seeing Joaquin constantly hooked up to various machines with bundles of wires accompanying him in bed became normal for us. In those two months, Alex and I took a crash course in nursing and we were confident and excited to finally bring our baby home. The relief of having him home was short lived as 4 days later, Joaquin struggled and had to return to Primary for 2 weeks.
Once home again, the family had to adjust to this new adventure we called Joaquin. He ate through a feeding tube and had severe reflux so he always had to be monitored or risk aspiration. Alex organized a feeding chart and medication chart which was necessary considering we had to administer a host of daily meds including: calciferol, enelapril, ferrous, furosemide, digoxin, prevacid, reglan, aldactone, actigal, zantac, vitamax, ferosemide, and enalapril. And where Joaquin went so did his little portable oxygen tank.
At four months old, Joaquin had his bi-lateral cleft lip repaired and palate prosthesis installed by the amazing and compassionate Dr. Siddiqi. At 5 ½ months old, he endured his 2nd heart surgery. At 8 months, doctors repaired a hernia and surgically placed a permanent Gastrostomy tube (G-tube) into his tummy by which he would eat from that point on.
Joaquin’s 1st year was very difficult - periodic trips to Primary ER and many medical staff passionately trying to find solutions to his decreasing weight, energy, and overall health. At the end of his 1st year, Joaquin’s cardiologist notated his distinct overall diagnosis as, “…failure to thrive may be due to his recombinant 8 syndrome.”
During his time at home, Joaquin’s siblings quickly learned the value of service and patience. It took a lot of work to care for Joaquin and the kids did anything and everything they could to help him and make his life a little more comfortable. During his first 3 years, 3 therapists (vocational, speech, and physical) would work with Joaquin 3 times a week. During the first 2 years there was not much improvement. He mostly just laid on his back and observed life around him. This developmental plateau quickly changed as Joaquin’s new younger brother Jesse started to not just watch the world around him but explore and engage the world. It was amazing to see the progress Joaquin made just by watching his little brother and trying to copy him. Joaquin went from laying on his back to scooting on his back, from laying with arms on ground to clapping his hands, from no verbal communication to uttering his first word – MA-MA-MA! As Jesse grew so did Joaquin. Jesse would pull himself up and stand in front of the TV and inspired Joaquin to try until Joaquin was able to (with some help) support himself briefly on his little chicken legs in front of the TV.
After working weekly with the dedicated therapists from Kids on the Move, Joaquin transitioned to Dan Petersen School in American Fork. For the next 3 ½ years the staff, therapists, nurses, bus driver, assistants, and teachers, became his school family at his home away from home. Joaquin loved riding on the bus. We would buckle him in his wheelchair and he would get so excited to see or even hear the bus approaching our house. Joaquin progressed so much at school. It was during his life attending Dan Peterson that he made the greatest strides. We would put him in crawling position and he would support himself for a few seconds then his head would bow down and he would end up on his back. As his neck and leg strength increased, Joaquin was able to support himself on all fours for longer periods of time. Eventually, he began attempting to move forward; arms down and leaping forward like a frog. At one point, Alex and I were considering the need to move since Joaquin could not navigate the stairs. He pushed himself from sitting at the top of the stairs with a look of fear to ever o cautiously sliding down one step at a time with his back fully pressed against each stair. He couldn’t speak but clearly found a means to communicate that was comfortable for him – point and yell. His personality burst with joy and happiness. Joaquin’s favorite toy was any electronic device. Cell phone, remote control, DVD player, and TV were all potential toys as he attempted to push buttons as long as he could until someone ruined his fun and pulled him away!  
It was common for Alex or myself to exclaim humorously as all our kids were causing a raucous in the car, “Joaquin, you’re the only one that behaves!” He was a great traveling companion. Whether family road trips or cruising around town, Joaquin was content looking out the window, patting the head of whomever was sitting next to him and watching his movies. It was comforting to look back in the rear view mirror and see little Joaquin make eye contact with me and give me a big smile. Joaquin flew on planes, rode a boat under the Golden Gate bridge, saw the Oakland A’s play, strolled the Santa Monica pier, screamed on rides at Disneyland and Disneyworld, hiked the red hills of St. George, camped in the forests of Utah, sat by the lakes in the Grand Teton National Forest, and pointed at the fish at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.
Yes, it is a fact that Joaquin spent more time in and out of hospitals then I ever have in my lifetime and more than my family combined. Yes, it is a fact that Joaquin had numerous moments in his life, which brought discomfort and pain. Yes, it is a fact that Joaquin endured and fought for his life on many occasions. It is also a fact that Joaquin would only be with us for a limited time due to inevitable congestive heart failure. It is a fact that the overwhelming majority of Joaquin’s life was spent smiling, laughing loudly, screaming with happiness, and surrounded by family that absolutely loved him. And the greatest fact is Joaquin is in heaven surrounded by loved ones and in the presence of our Heavenly Father and elder brother Jesus Christ.
Joaquin fought as long as his physical body would allow. In 6 years with this little boy, I have learned more from him then any other time in my life. Joaquin lived every moment with a curiosity to learn, an eagerness to smile, a willingness to accept love and a determination to show love.
Our lives have been severely changed for good because of Joaquin. I reflect to that moment leaving the OBGYN after that first ultra sound thinking, “This was not supposed to happen to us.” 6 ½ years later I am left in humble gratitude, rejoicing, “Thank you Lord for allowing this to happen to us!”
I love you Joaquin!

Story by my stepdad

Xoxo