I always heard that serving a mission is life changing.. it's always been a cliche thing to hear and say..but I didn't truly come to see what serving a mission could do to a person until I decided to serve.
My personal testimony and growth have SOARED while being in his service.
In the NJMM mission you do something called a hot seat right before you leave..basically it's where missionaries gather together and ask you a whole bunch of questions about your mission..& there is a question that missionaries always seem to ask, which is " when did you BECOME?" My answer to that is that I am still becoming. I think becoming Gods instrument or having a testimony is a life long process. I think we are constantly becoming converted. It's a process not an event. So Today I wanted to share with you a couple of life lessons I learned on my mission. Experiences that helped me BECOME.
If somebody asked me right now..what I learned most on my mission it'd be that I learned how to love. How to love God, myself and others. And I only learned that by coming to feel and experience the love God has for us and his children.
I learned to love my self a transfer after training when I got moved to an area in New Jersey to train a brand new missionary..It was my first area speaking Spanish. Let's just say I about peed my pants. I was terrefied. Do you ever have those moments where you kind of ask Heavenly Father " Heavenly Father..are you sure you want me to do this?? Why me? I am not capable for this task." Ya , that's what I did. At this moment in time I was still pretty new as a missionary and beating myself up for my flaws was kind of who I was.
Luckily I got one of the most amazing companions of my life! We worked so hard together! And I think we worked so hard because we knew we couldn't do it without God. We were vulnerable.
I can remember having times though..where trying to be strong was hard. I had to be an example and showing weakness wasn't an option for me. I was actually reading over my journal and there was a night I wrote about how frustrated I was with myself. I actually began to think I was going to fail.I ended up opening the scriptures and finding verses that talked about how out of our weaknesses, we shall be made strong.
2 Nephi 3:13 "And out of weakness he shall be made strong.."
Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I knew in that moment that God knew me..my frustrations, anger and that he answered me..he told me it was ok to not be perfect and that he wasn't going Allow me to fail. He reminded me that I was human and that we all have weakness..but they are only there to make us strong. And simply that he calls the weak and simple to do his work.
I also learned that Heavenly Father is quite the funny guy. Because the next day.. I got a called to be a sister training leader while I was still training my trainee.
I was overwhelmed and was like "ok Heavenly Father this is not funny!" But later looking back I see how he used me in my weakness so I could be strong! I love that Heavenly Father does that to us.
In my weakness I found my strengths. I learned to rise above the demons and came to love myself.
The moment I learned to love others took place with my third companion. This once again wasn't necessarily a moment but a process. These next few months were some of the hardest times I'd ever had. I'm going to tell you it straight out just the way it is..because missions aren't perfect..BUT after having much success with my last companion starting over with a new companion was hard. We had both been leaders in the mission and being leaders together was very difficult. We both had our own idea of how Things needed to get done. There were nights..weeks where I'd go into the bathroom and just cry and cry. There were moments where I wanted to throw in the towel. There was one night where I went on exchanges with a sister and a song came on that said " its not about you, it's for those who are searching for the truth..it's not about you" I remember just feeling thrown back into my chair by a big wave of WAKE UP. and just hearing the words "sister Rogers, look outside yourself..this isn't your work. This isn't your companions work. This is mine.its not about you" after that moment I began to give everyone every ounce of attention & energy. It's crazy when you loose yourself for others..you find yourself.
I truly humbled myself that night. I went out on our balcony I got on my knees looked up to the stars and gave it all to him. That's when I learned how to love God..to turn my will over to him. To let him take me by the hand and show the way.
To give up who I was to become someone better.
In one of my areas we had a balcony. It was the best balcony..probably my favorite spot. I'd spend hours on that porch communicating with God. I learned to love him by giving him time to speak with me..by listening to what he had to say..and following that council. I actually have this prayer journal that I use every time i pray. It helps keep me accountable to our Heavenly Father. I had many amazing prayer experiences on that porch that summer.
Learning to love God helped me see how much he loved me. Sometimes as I prayed the only the things he'd tell me is that he loved me. Or I could feel arms around me.
Although it might seem like prayer and communicating with god was something easy..it was actually a wrestle. Enos explains it perfectly in the Book of Mormon.
Not too long ago I actually found myself asking Heavenly Father if he was there..if he had heard my prayers. I had gotten use to being able to open the scriptures and BAM there was an answer..but during that time I had felt abandoned. I'd open up my scriptures and I wasn't feeling that sense that he was answering me.a couple weeks passed and I was hoping that that feeling of loneliness of being abandoned by God would leave me. But it didn't. I found myself with a box of tissues on old yellow rug in tight dark beige steamy bathroom floor. I began to quiver as I pleaded for something, A feeling, a scripture ..ANYTHING!! About to loose hope I pitifully turned opened my scriptures and immediately connected with David from the Bible. The sub heading says:
"David pleads with the Lord to hear his voice" anyhoo. It talks about David's cries unto the Lord and how God heard them.
I felt an immediate release of pain flush out of my body as I read those words. I could feel his love rush through my veins and could feel my heart beat again. It was a sweet feeling.
There was another moment where we were with all the missionaries and we decided to write down a question.. and each separately take a different room in the church and pray for 15 minutes and we were promised that the answer would come. As we were doing this a little bit of doubt crept into my head. I began to say "I've been trying to receive an answer to this question for ages" I had doubts because usually Heavenly Father spoke to me through my scriptures..but because we weren't allowed to have our iPads in the room alone I wasn't able to take anything in with me.
I ended up finding a room on the other side of the church , got down on my knees and began to pray. After my prayer I sat in silence trying to listen for any sort of council from God. A couple minutes passed by and I still hadn't received anything. I let out a big sigh and began to scan the room ..Thats when I realized I was in the young women's room and there were posters of scriptures EVERYwhere!! Chills ran down my back as I read them. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
I know God loves us because he is in the details of our lives. I know he loves us because I've felt it..because I've felt the smallest fraction of the kind of love he has for you, his children. I could feel it burn within me as I shared his beautiful gospel with the Jerseyites.
God is love. It's simple. Everything revolves around his big heart and the small four letter word love. His love.
He wants you. we don't have to be perfect and put together to come to him. We can be a perfect mess and God will accept us.
I don't know who I was without him. But seeing who I am with him gives me so much hope. I know that He sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ..because he loves us. We never need to feel that we are unloved or alone in this journey of life..because we never are. His love is unfailing.
And I'm going to say the most unoriginal fact in this world..A MISSION IS LIFE CHANGING. I am so grateful for the privilege I had to wear the saviors name on my chest everyday and try to emulate his love. Always remember your worth,and the sacrifice Christ made FOR YOU.