4 years too fast

As we continue to endure the separation from him, we are blessed with the knowledge that we will be together again 

Alex was lying on the exam table and I was sitting next to her holding her hand as we both anxiously awaited the results of the ultrasound. The nurse rubbed the imaging device on Alex’s gelled tummy with one hand and clicked keyboard buttons with the other as she concentrated her focus on the grainy movements on the screen. Alex and I were in complete agreement that the nurse would soon confirm the news we had not only been wishing for but expected to hear, “Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Ruiz, you are having a daughter!” After all, this was our 4th child and not only did we feel like we were veterans in the pregnancy department but we were due for another little girl to help our daughter Desiree combat her brothers Haven, Enrique, and Moses. Well, the daughter idea did not pan out as anticipated. The nurse used the cursor to circle a specific part of the baby’s body and said “It’s another boy!” I jokingly responded, “Are you sure?” She replied, “Unless that thing falls off, it’s a boy.” A few seconds later as she continued to scan and measure various areas of the images, I saw her pause and move closer to the monitor. Her look of concern was obvious. It was enough for me to ask if there was something wrong. She informed us that our son appeared to have a cleft lip. Alex was already tearing from the “It’s a boy” news and immediately looked at me with a confused look. Our lives changed that very second. Disbelief, worry, and confusion had immediately taken hold of us. The nurse’s verbal punch in the gut was followed up by a powerful knockout blow when she told us with a very concerned tone that there was something wrong with Joaquin’s heart and we needed to see cardiology at the U of U Hospital. My wife cried and continued to cry as we left the OBGYN office and sat in our car. We both were trying to make sense of what just happened thinking, “This was not supposed to happen to us.”
The following day we met with Dr. Puchalski with pediatric cardiology at the U of U. He performed another ultrasound and determined there was a definite irregularity in Joaquin’s heart. I asked him about the cleft lip and he investigated the mouth area of our baby boy and confirmed he had a bi-lateral cleft lip and palate. Dr. Puchalski then instructed us to meet with the perinatal genetics since multiple health problems are commonly associated with a type of syndrome. Since his heart was so small, he scheduled us to come back in 7 weeks so the heart could grow and he could then provide a precise diagnosis.  
Those weeks flew by as we found ourselves looking at ultrasound images again with Dr. Pachalski. This time, he was able to see what the problems were: Double outlet right ventricle, large patent ductus arteriosus, LSVC to coronary sinus, large perimembranous VSD, small secundum ASD, dysplastic tricuspid valve, mild hypoplasia with abnormal movement of posterior leaflet of the mitral valve, thickened doming pulmonary valve, borderline RVH, AND right-sided aortic arch. Basically, our boy had congenital heart disease and his little heart had a lot of problems.
We met with genetics and they recommended an amniocentesis be performed. The procedure is 99.5% accurate in specifying chromosome abnormalities but also carries a 1 in 250 risk of miscarriage. At that moment, the risk was too great for us and chose not proceed with the test. Two months later, Alex and I felt like it was necessary and knew all would be well. It was during the amniocentesis that we caught a glimpse of Joaquin’s funny little personality. The doctors used a long needle to extract amniotic fluid. We watched the monitor from the ultrasound as this long needle plunged through my wife’s tummy. Though the doctor was cautious not to disturb him, Joaquin could clearly be seen kicking the needle, even trying to grab at it with his hand! A month later we met again with genetics and received some counseling. Joaquin had been diagnosed with recombinant 8 syndrome or chromosome 8 syndrome. Half of the 8th chromosome was missing and the existing half copied itself. This is referred to as deletion/duplication.
From that point both the geneticists and social workers worked hard to pull together information related to this syndrome since it is so rare. Alex and I would get periodic phones calls from their offices with updates as they discovered them. Finally, they were able to give us the official report on the study of children with recombinant 8 syndrome. In the midst of sustaining a life full of kids, work, sports, school, church, and everything else associated with a busy young family – we now had to try and accept these facts that pertained to our little Joaquin. Some of which included: cardiovascular and other major malfunctions, moderate to severe mental retardation, 71% of children died during first 3 years of life, and all children who died with this syndrome, died from complications of congenital heart disease.
A month passed and Alex and I were frantically driving to the U of U Hospital to have a baby! I was driving cautiously on I-15, obeying the speed limit, and she would get mad at me because I was driving too slow. Then I would speed up and a minute later she was grasping the armrest, yelling at me to slow down! The medical staff was expecting us and had a surgical room prepared including 3 doctors and 6 nurses – just in case. The delivery was quick and easy, at least from my perspective. Joaquin was finally here! The doctor held Joaquin up for a picture and handed him to a nurse who handed him to another nurse though this small opening in the wall that looked like a drive thru window. I was able to see Joaquin in the PICU and was surprised how big he was compared to the babies there. Joaquin was a full term baby weighing in at 8 lbs 5 oz. and measuring 20.6 inches long. Besides the bi-lateral cleft lip, he looked like a strong, healthy baby. I know he was meant to come into this world big and strong because he would need all that strength to endure what lay ahead. Later that night, I walked with the Life Flight team as we escorted Joaquin across the skywalk to Primary Children’s Hospital.  
Thus began our family’s wonderful relationship with the doctors and nurses at Primary Children’s Hospital. Joaquin spent his first 2 months there. He underwent his first heart surgery at 17 days old. Joaquin was never alone. Alex and I were with him and those few times were weren’t, another family member kept him company. Seeing Joaquin constantly hooked up to various machines with bundles of wires accompanying him in bed became normal for us. In those two months, Alex and I took a crash course in nursing and we were confident and excited to finally bring our baby home. The relief of having him home was short lived as 4 days later, Joaquin struggled and had to return to Primary for 2 weeks.
Once home again, the family had to adjust to this new adventure we called Joaquin. He ate through a feeding tube and had severe reflux so he always had to be monitored or risk aspiration. Alex organized a feeding chart and medication chart which was necessary considering we had to administer a host of daily meds including: calciferol, enelapril, ferrous, furosemide, digoxin, prevacid, reglan, aldactone, actigal, zantac, vitamax, ferosemide, and enalapril. And where Joaquin went so did his little portable oxygen tank.
At four months old, Joaquin had his bi-lateral cleft lip repaired and palate prosthesis installed by the amazing and compassionate Dr. Siddiqi. At 5 ½ months old, he endured his 2nd heart surgery. At 8 months, doctors repaired a hernia and surgically placed a permanent Gastrostomy tube (G-tube) into his tummy by which he would eat from that point on.
Joaquin’s 1st year was very difficult - periodic trips to Primary ER and many medical staff passionately trying to find solutions to his decreasing weight, energy, and overall health. At the end of his 1st year, Joaquin’s cardiologist notated his distinct overall diagnosis as, “…failure to thrive may be due to his recombinant 8 syndrome.”
During his time at home, Joaquin’s siblings quickly learned the value of service and patience. It took a lot of work to care for Joaquin and the kids did anything and everything they could to help him and make his life a little more comfortable. During his first 3 years, 3 therapists (vocational, speech, and physical) would work with Joaquin 3 times a week. During the first 2 years there was not much improvement. He mostly just laid on his back and observed life around him. This developmental plateau quickly changed as Joaquin’s new younger brother Jesse started to not just watch the world around him but explore and engage the world. It was amazing to see the progress Joaquin made just by watching his little brother and trying to copy him. Joaquin went from laying on his back to scooting on his back, from laying with arms on ground to clapping his hands, from no verbal communication to uttering his first word – MA-MA-MA! As Jesse grew so did Joaquin. Jesse would pull himself up and stand in front of the TV and inspired Joaquin to try until Joaquin was able to (with some help) support himself briefly on his little chicken legs in front of the TV.
After working weekly with the dedicated therapists from Kids on the Move, Joaquin transitioned to Dan Petersen School in American Fork. For the next 3 ½ years the staff, therapists, nurses, bus driver, assistants, and teachers, became his school family at his home away from home. Joaquin loved riding on the bus. We would buckle him in his wheelchair and he would get so excited to see or even hear the bus approaching our house. Joaquin progressed so much at school. It was during his life attending Dan Peterson that he made the greatest strides. We would put him in crawling position and he would support himself for a few seconds then his head would bow down and he would end up on his back. As his neck and leg strength increased, Joaquin was able to support himself on all fours for longer periods of time. Eventually, he began attempting to move forward; arms down and leaping forward like a frog. At one point, Alex and I were considering the need to move since Joaquin could not navigate the stairs. He pushed himself from sitting at the top of the stairs with a look of fear to ever o cautiously sliding down one step at a time with his back fully pressed against each stair. He couldn’t speak but clearly found a means to communicate that was comfortable for him – point and yell. His personality burst with joy and happiness. Joaquin’s favorite toy was any electronic device. Cell phone, remote control, DVD player, and TV were all potential toys as he attempted to push buttons as long as he could until someone ruined his fun and pulled him away!  
It was common for Alex or myself to exclaim humorously as all our kids were causing a raucous in the car, “Joaquin, you’re the only one that behaves!” He was a great traveling companion. Whether family road trips or cruising around town, Joaquin was content looking out the window, patting the head of whomever was sitting next to him and watching his movies. It was comforting to look back in the rear view mirror and see little Joaquin make eye contact with me and give me a big smile. Joaquin flew on planes, rode a boat under the Golden Gate bridge, saw the Oakland A’s play, strolled the Santa Monica pier, screamed on rides at Disneyland and Disneyworld, hiked the red hills of St. George, camped in the forests of Utah, sat by the lakes in the Grand Teton National Forest, and pointed at the fish at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.
Yes, it is a fact that Joaquin spent more time in and out of hospitals then I ever have in my lifetime and more than my family combined. Yes, it is a fact that Joaquin had numerous moments in his life, which brought discomfort and pain. Yes, it is a fact that Joaquin endured and fought for his life on many occasions. It is also a fact that Joaquin would only be with us for a limited time due to inevitable congestive heart failure. It is a fact that the overwhelming majority of Joaquin’s life was spent smiling, laughing loudly, screaming with happiness, and surrounded by family that absolutely loved him. And the greatest fact is Joaquin is in heaven surrounded by loved ones and in the presence of our Heavenly Father and elder brother Jesus Christ.
Joaquin fought as long as his physical body would allow. In 6 years with this little boy, I have learned more from him then any other time in my life. Joaquin lived every moment with a curiosity to learn, an eagerness to smile, a willingness to accept love and a determination to show love.
Our lives have been severely changed for good because of Joaquin. I reflect to that moment leaving the OBGYN after that first ultra sound thinking, “This was not supposed to happen to us.” 6 ½ years later I am left in humble gratitude, rejoicing, “Thank you Lord for allowing this to happen to us!”
I love you Joaquin!

Story by my stepdad

Xoxo

sweet goodbyes

many many years ago back when dinosaurs were around ( am I too young to already be saying that?) I use to slide two lawn chairs out of the garage and into the bright sun then I'd run inside to grab my Gigi and Papa by the hand and pull them out to watch me skip leap and jump all over their driveway. They watched and applauded when I was out of energy and my performance came to an end. The thing I loved about performing for Gigi and Papa was that they actually watched me and their applaud came straight from the heart. 
At the end of long days when my time at Gigi and Papas house was up and it was time for me to head home Gigi and papa would always stand out on their porch wave and wave and wave and wave goodbye until they were out of sight.
They were real best friends. They did everything together. Relationship goals right there!
I'll never forget it.

The last week of my Gigi's life my aunt would ask her everyday if she had seen or felt papa (who had died 12 years ago) every response was an unfortunate "no." Sadly she had started to believe that there was no after life because if there was..she would've felt papas presence. The night prior of her passing my aunt once again repeated her question. "Have you seen papa? Unable to speak and barely move she slowly shook her head yes. My aunt then asked if he was there. Again, she slowly shook her head yes. What a beautiful thing to know that he was there for her and welcome her with open arms. They are together again. Once again..RELATIONSHIP GOALS! Am  I right? Haha

Today was my grandma Gigi's funeral.i honestly told myself that I wasn't going to cry..was I wrong? Yes! I was so wrong. I cried like baby!! in a happy way of course. My beautiful grandma lived a tough life..one I didn't really know of until today. Now hearing of her stories I truly know I am such a whimmp! (She got hit by lightning twice and almost got hit by it another two times..crazyyyyy)
At the funeral all of us grandchildren/great granchildren stood up to sing I am a child of God. My heart melted within the first two words. The words peirced  my soul & I knew with ALL my heart that this primary song I learned as a young girl was the most real and perfect song. "I am a child of God & he has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. LEAD ME..GUIDE ME..WALK beside ME..TEACH ME all that I must do." It's almost as if I was singing a prayer.& in that moment I could feel comfort and warmth fill all throughout my body and I could hear a still small voice letting me know that he would lead me,guide me and walk beside me and that he already has.
One of my grandmas favorite songs was abide with me tis even tide. I have fallen 100 million percent in love with that song. Once again a song that reminded me of a prayer . "Oh savior stay this night with me" doesn't that line alone bring you to tears? A moment when you are so alone and you feel comfort less that you humble yourself and say "oh savior stay this night with me" it brings me SO much comfort to just say that because I know he will.

Being at my Gigi's funeral reminded me of four years ago around this same time attending my sweet brothers funeral. I miss him SO much and say it way too often. My heart was heavy in my chest all day yesterday. It's hard knowing that he's not here with you but it's a good feeling to know he's surrounded with heavenly things and that he is happy. 

Feeling empty inside I layed on my bed crying because sometimes that's all you can really do. "Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided even if sometimes we feel that we are. Truly  the redeemer of us all said I will not leave you comfort less. My father and I will come to you and abide with you" -Elder Holland
what comfort that message left me.
The Devine compassion is never absent that God is always faithful that he never flees not fails us. I so blessed. It's never easy. It's not easy even knowing that we have a brother that has gone through what we have but it does make the burden a million times easier. I know it to be true. 

This time here on earth is temporary  & we will be able to see our families who have passed on again. I feel it in my heart and know it is true and I can not wait for the day I get to hold my little brother in my arms again. 

Xoxo. You are not alone

when I think of 2014

When I think of 2014 I think of growing..this 2014 was my year of growth

When I think of 2014 I think of graduation:
The whole preparation for graduation was surreal. I always knew I'd graduate but I never thought the time would actually come. As I look back on all my graduation pictures I had the best smile and I keep telling myself..well duh! Because I didn't force it onto my face. It was the best feeling being surrounded kids I've known since I was just a kid. WHERE DID TIME GO??and who let us grow up that fast??
The love you feel for everyone is so real in that moment. Everyone backstage before entering the "o" saying .."we made it"
So congrats class of 2014. I love you.

When I think of 2014 I think of the unending love our savior has for us:
All throughout summer I was lost. I had lost my family and someone I loved and had unfortunately leaned himwhen I was weak.I couldn't keep myself up alone. I was emotionally drained and I had lost myself. I couldn't even hold a smile. Until one night I cried so hard asking why now? Why me? I got onto my knees burrowed my head into my arms and let the tears roll out onto my cold skin. A phrase then came into my mind and filled my heart with comfort. "Not my will but thine be done"
I could feel the arms of my brother Jesus Christ wrapped around me. I was not alone. I cried and asked for guidance and love. Let me tell you. He didn't fail. I was guided by the savior and found myself next to the side of some amazing friends who held my hand through tough waters.
My savior showed me he had another plan in store for me. Something better ahead to come & I'm thankful beyond measure that I turned to my savior. A savior that looks out for me NO MATTER WHAT. He knows me and loves me. He knows you and loves you too. I learned to trust something that I couldn't see but that I could feel so strong in my heart. I also learned to forgive: and that forgiveness is such a bigggg thing. It brings peace to the soul. I can testify that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ ARE real! They know you and love you SO much!! I also can testify to you that you are never alone. Even I can forget that  sometimes. But I'm always reminded that I'm not. I also know that prayer is a REAL thing. He hears you. And sometimes..wait scratch that..ALL THE TIME. you have to trust he has something better in store for you even if you think you know..you don't.he knows and knows your heart and what's best for it. I can testify that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. He lives

When I think of 2014 I think of college:
Holy cow! Best experience! I've met and grown to love so many people out in Saint George. Most of them didn't even know what mormon was. They thought it was a race. HAHA I love them for even saying that. I met sooooo many people who hold the dearest spots in my heart. They are home to me. College taught me so much. Like not to take for granted the little things you hold in your homes now such as a screw driver, extra toilet paper, bowls& plates and paper towels. It taught me to be myself ALWAYS. I could sit and watch the sunset alone without being judged. It taught me the importance of family becauSe they helped me out SO much just to get there. College taught me to fight for myself. It taught me to be my own self. I've grown so much because of it.(both mentally and physically..HAHAHA)
College brought to me many kisses. Out of all the guys I kissed only ONE actually kissed good! Yes I'm judging. Call me evil. Funny thing is..I told myself I would never kiss a guy at college because I was so stuck on corbin. Whoooops. Hehe
I grew to know two beautiful girls who became my best friends and sisters! And I will never forget the impact they had on my life. College is gooooood. GO

When I think of 2015
I think of once again.. Growing& working  on who I've come. I love who I've become but plan for this year to be better than last and to keep moving forward in any situation

2014 you did me well. Kisses to Ya!
Xoxo not gossip girl 

Ps. Sorry for any errors I typed it up on my IPHONE! LOL